all at once: when chaos prepares us for favor and new birth
the june 2023 newsletter
Hey friends,
How is your summer starting? This season has been something else here, with the emotions of an emptying nest colliding with the emotions of finishing this book that I’ve lived and worked on for eleven years. And also, as I mentioned, we’ve had both quail and chicken hatches this month and we still have one more hatch to go because our darling Toughie is on the nest.
Her chicks are due around the 11th, or maybe the 12th. I’m learning to not hold onto specific dates because sometimes I get them wrong, and sometimes chicks are both early and late, and we’ve experienced all three scenarios in the last month.
But one of the things I do know is that you can tell hens are broody when they a) never leave the nest, and b) growl like a velociraptor when you come near them. They want to protect their eggs. They’re neither dangerous nor in danger, though; they’re wanting to birth something.
When we want to birth something, our emotions are high and things feel intense, too.
Yesterday our oldest daughter moved out. And I’ve been fine, totally fine, until the night before when I asked if she wanted to read with Cham and I like we often do, and she said she couldn’t; she had to pack. She was surrounded by boxes, and it was the boxes that got me. The top crate was open, her beautiful old hardcovers in them, some recently purchased, and others the same tiny Beatrix Potters we gave her when she was a toddler.
Vince and I are both finishing books and it is one of those rare seasons when so many events intersect at the same time, and I know things will calm down soon – next month, maybe – but right now life is like this:
HELP KIDS WITH ADULTING-finish school paperwork-POULTRY EXCITEMENT-special needs drama-SPRING GARDENING-another hatch-DEADLINE-edit the book-ANOTHER DEADLINE-kids packing-BIRTHDAY-edit the other book-FENCE IN THE CHICKENS-another birthday-PIANO RECITAL-switch around bedrooms-DON’T FORGET TO HOMESCHOOL THE KIDS
...because that’s the season. You might fill in the blanks with different things, but we all go through periods that are like this. We complain about things going too slow, and then all the sudden, before we feel ready, it’s everything at once – and often, none of it seems like the breakthrough we’ve been praying for.
I’ve been reading Genesis lately. And I’ve never thought of Genesis as one of my favorite books, but this time around it’s winning me over. I mean, I’ve always loved the story of Joseph, but this month it was his father’s journey that really preached to me.
You know Jacob. Esau’s brother; Jacob tricked him for his birthright, and in beautifully aggravating irony he was in turn tricked by his uncle into marrying both of his cousins when he only wanted Rachel. He ends up with four wives, super weird.
With me so far? You probably know this story already. If you need to review, it’s from the end of chapter 25 and then chapters 27 to 30.
And then in chapter 31, Jacob is tired of being continually used by his uncle and he packs everyone up and leaves. They take off quietly – as quietly as a herd of people and livestock can go – to return to Canaan, his homeland, where his family is. Laban catches up to them a few days later, it’s really awkward and a probably a good thing revolvers weren’t yet invented, but after some tense moments they make an agreement to be at peace with each other and they part ways again.
Huge sigh of relief. Jacob continues on to Canaan. Everything seems fine – better, even, because…
Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him. And when Jacob saw them he said, “This is God's camp!” So he called the name of that place Mahanaim.
– Genesis 32:1-2
Pretty cool when God’s messengers meet you, yeah? Mahanaim means “two camps” and God prompted him to call it that because He’s preparing Jacob for what’s ahead.
And what’s ahead is his brother Esau, whom he tricked. Esau, who vowed to kill him. And Jacob’s afraid. He sends messengers ahead and they come back to tell him, Yep, we saw Esau, everything’s great, he’s coming to meet you with 400 men.
Jacob responds, Oh crap.
But the Lord has already told him what to do: Break your company into two camps. Jacob hopes that at least half of them will come through this alive. And then he prays for deliverance.
His prayer is important because the details of God’s instruction came out of it. All he knows beforehand is “two camps.” But then he talks to God:
And Jacob said, “O God of my father Abraham and God of my father Isaac, O Lord who said to me, ‘Return to your country and to your kindred, that I may do you good,’ I am not worthy of the least of all the deeds of steadfast love and all the faithfulness that you have shown to your servant, for with only my staff I crossed this Jordan, and now I have become two camps. Please deliver me from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau, for I fear him, that he may come and attack me, the mothers with the children. But you said, ‘I will surely do you good, and make your offspring as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.’”
– Genesis 32:9-12
He remembers what the Lord already told him to do. He recognizes God’s favor and grace upon him. He makes his request for full deliverance – not just half – and then he remembers what God has promised.
After praying, he has more clarity and works out details with his servants: You guys go ahead, take gifts, spread yourselves out into several groups, each of you tell Esau we’re coming, give him gifts, we’ll be right behind you. And hopefully by the time he gets to us, he won’t kill us.
Then he wrestles with God. And why is that in the middle of this story? Like it’s not complex enough already. Like there’s not all this other stuff going on. Like he’s not about to face his biggest threat the next morning, he also needs to face a strange man who he realizes is God in human form – and yes, this is Jesus in the Old Testament – and he has another prophetic name for a place.
So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel [which means “the face of God”], saying, “For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered.”
– Genesis 32:30
But the prophetic name is not just about the place. Because now it’s morning, and here comes Esau.
To sum up, this season for Jacob looks like this:
PACK FAMILY-gather livestock-FLEE LABAN-defend family-TRUCE WITH LABAN-meet angels-SEND MESSENGERS TO ESAU-messengers return-OH NO WE’RE TOAST-break into two camps-PRAY TO GOD-send servants ahead with gifts-WRESTLE WITH GOD-wake up with a limp-FACE ESAU
Yikes. Talk about everything all at once.
He puts everyone in order. He puts his favorite wife and child in the back. And he goes first, bowing repeatedly as gets nearer to his brother.
And Esau runs to meet him...and embraces him. There’s hugging and weeping and kissing. Somehow, everything is fine. No battle. It’s not the end. And we don’t know exactly why Esau brought 400 men with him (some people argue that the number 400 is significant for various reasons) but if it was for war, God did something in his heart in the moments between morning and the meeting with Jacob.
Then they immediately have their first argument.
It’s cordial, though. Jacob wants to give Esau gifts, and Esau, with all his entourage, clearly doesn’t need them. No, Jacob says, please take them. And then he says this:
For I have seen your face, which is like seeing the face of God, and you have accepted me.
– Genesis 33: 10b
Wait wait wait. Jacob saw God’s face the night before when he wrestled with Him. He has not seen his brother for twenty years. But suddenly, when he saw Esau, he saw a resemblance.
Just as the Lord had prepared him with the angels and the word of “two camps,” the Lord prepared him to recognize his brother, and see God in him. The struggle of the night before prepared him to recognize favor where he did not expect it.
And our struggles and wrestlings are preparing us to recognize favor and restoration, too. Even in places we would never expect it. There are beautiful new beginnings ahead.
The day before she moved out, Iree started playing that song again and I realized it’s probably the last time she’ll play it while living under our roof. It was almost over and and the notes were soft and slow, and tears just poured out of me while I sobbed quietly in my office. And then, to my relief, she started a new song. It was light and hopeful, like sunlight in summer.
That night I kept asking her if she remembered things. Did you get your cast iron pan? Your embroidered dish towel? Your flowers, your mug? And then the next day it was, Here, take this little aloe plant. Sneak in some cans of black olives because we know she loves them. And from Vin, some extra shotgun shells. (So Alaskan.) Parents are like, Quick, find some downy feathers we can pluck from ourselves to tuck in with her, and send her off with. We still do it with our oldest; we stopped by his apartment last week with a cup full of quail eggs. This is from us, remember the old nest? We still want you to have pieces of it.
The Stagecoach was packed with her furniture and they drove away, and I cried while feeding the chickens. Why? Why am I so sad, but also happy, but still sad? Because it’s change, and change means things will be different, and a lot of those differences feel like loss.
But also, it means we did it. She’s on her own, safe and loved, ready to create her own nest. Nineteen years of parenting and investing and teaching her to wrestle God and see His face...and we did it. And we’ll have new beginnings ahead, also.
Praying for you,
Shannon
P.S. Links for you!
What is church, and what is it for? Maybe not what we think. This is an incredible, perspective-changing, Jesus-glorifying interview with Michael Koulianos of Jesus Image Church.
If you’ve experienced trauma, struggled with a “new normal,” and wondered when you’ll really arrive at healing, this is a great post for you.
Looking for used books? ThriftBooks is not owned by Amazon and if you purchase anything through this link, we’ll get a tiny commission at no cost to you.
How do we hear God? What is “the prophetic”? This is a great interview with Craig Cooney…his thick accent might throw you, give yourself a few minutes to acclimate to it.
Homeschoolers: Looking for a non-woke military history course that is self-paced and involves a little writing? Right here — and Alaskans, Vince is a direct-bill vendor with IDEA, and this course is fully reimbursable.
