one of those truths that sets us free

forgiveness

Hey friends,

Let’s talk about a way to be really free. I mean, something that makes us feel lighter, fearless, unhindered, bold, and capable of exploits.

Nope, not liquor, high doses of caffeine, illicit herbal supplements, or illegal substances. Sheesh. ;)

It’s forgiveness.

Womp, womp...right, it doesn’t sound fun or sexy. But let’s go beyond forgiveness, because it encompasses a lot of other things that don’t get talked about much. So let’s talk about them. We’re not going to focus on the pain more than we need to. There’s healing, release, and freedom ahead of us here.

I was thinking a little bit ago about something hurtful I went through a while back, and I felt a check in my spirit as I revisited the wound.

What? I asked God. Should I not still feel hurt or sadness over that?

No, Love, He said. You shouldn’t feel better by reopening it and nursing the wound.

Ahhh. Resentment is a beast, isn’t it? We think we’ve forgiven but when we revisit the pain we often have to forgive all over again.

So, okay – stop revisiting the pain. Step one. Big exhale. Alright, we can do that. The person who caused that pain can just stay in their own little world, and I’ll stay in my little world, and as long as I can basically forget their existence, things are pretty fine.

And that works okay for people I don’t live with or see on a regular basis...until our existences collide again. And then there’s a tire screech noise in my heart, because ohmygosh, they’re right there, and why do I feel...all these things? Why do I feel threatened? Or angry? Or sad? Why is fear creeping up in me? Why are all these things flying up at once, and what do I do about them? And hey, what is this, confusion and guilt?! Wait, now I also feel guilty...because if I’d truly forgiven them like I thought I had, these pesky feelings wouldn’t be all over the place. Right?

Well...no...but that’s what it feels like sometimes. Wouldn’t it be nice to be free of those feelings, though?

Let’s look at some truth that outweighs them. Hard situations involve a lot of specifics, but here are some generalities we can bank on:

• We can forgive and still feel hurt.

• Forgiveness doesn’t require reconciling with the person who caused us pain. Reconciliation is a related but separate issue.

• We want to forgive because we want to be forgiven. We want to forgive because we want to be free.

For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

– Matthew 6:14-15

It’s normal to feel threatened (afraid of future pain) when we come in contact with someone who’s hurt us, especially if they never repented or apologized, or they did so in an insincere way. That’s where the seething, hissing feeling in our gut comes from when we unexpectedly see them.

It’s also normal to struggle with forgiving other Christians (or people who claim to be Christians) because there’s such a discrepancy between who they claim to be and how they’ve acted toward us. And in this, we acknowledge our own imperfections and need for grace, also...but we still wonder if that person has really changed, or if they’re still faking it, or if they’re still doing whatever it was they were doing that hurt you in the first (and second, and third, and fourth) place.

We’d rather they weren’t in our own little world, disturbing our peace and distracting us with that speculation and concern. And surprisingly, there seems to be Biblical grounds for that, since it says here in 2 Thessalonians to “have nothing to do with him.”

As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good. If anyone does not obey what we say in this letter, take note of that person, and have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed. Do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother.

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.

– 2 Thessalonians 3:13-16

And also here in Titus:

As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.

– Titus 3:10-11

These passages could be a whole other study and I can’t do justice to them in this post. But I share them with you to keep in mind as you consider your heart, to recognize that a desire to be separate from a Christian (a “brother”) who has repeatedly done wrong is often justified and Biblical. (See? You’re not a terrible person.)

So it’s easier to forgive if we don’t see them, and if the wound is healed. But what if we do see them, and the wound isn’t healed? We’re still not off the hook, because forgiveness is for our own sake more than theirs. Forgiveness is one of those annoying things where someone else created a situation and we have to pay for it twice: The first time when they caused the pain, and the second when we choose to stop punishing them for it. (Note: Punishment is different from consequences. I know you know this; I’m just putting it out there so we’re clear.)