january 2022
realigning for the new year: shame off you
Hey friends,
Well, it’s the end of January, so at our house the tree is gone, the stockings are put away, and we finally made room for new toys by taking a hundred pounds of old homeschool materials back to our school’s library.
The white twinkle lights will stay up until March or so when we have more daylight, but the puzzle table had to go to make room for our new woodstove. We only do those big, ambitious puzzles at Christmastime, anyway.
This year we did three puzzles, and we had a heck of a time with one of them – the pieces were small and didn’t click together perfectly, which meant it was easy to shift the puzzle one way or another, warping it a little. It wasn’t a big deal at first, but eventually as sections started coming together, we noticed things like this:
And this:
And we knew something needed to move.
Realigning after discovery is so much work. So many things need shifted and corrected so things can start falling into place again.
But isn’t scrapping it all even more work? Wouldn’t it make even more work to ignore the mess while continuing to add to it, creating that much more that needs to be fixed later?
The Lord knows how to make us move. A couple of months ago He brought up one of my least favorite subjects in the world, and He challenged me to think on it and serve others through it. I wouldn’t have done it on my own, but He knew what it would take to move me. He wanted to bring healing and encouragement into an area I avoided thinking about as much as possible – and in His generosity, He did it in a way that also brings healing and encouragement to others. Our alignment and wholeness are never just for ourselves.
But if we want to move forward, we have to be willing to address the issues that are blocking our progress.
There are a lot of things that hold us back: excuses, distractions, dread, avoidance. But one of the biggest ones is shame.
We had a situation recently with a kid who was so overwhelmed with the natural consequences of a choice that we didn’t need to assign consequences at all. The world seemed over. Kid didn’t want to move forward, didn’t think moving forward was possible. Shame was having a heyday, and no one else was partying.
And this is where we had to be really firm, so if you need to hear it, this is for you, too: Shame is not something you have to accept. It is something you need to reject.
But it will be there first thing in the morning, the kiddo said. I will remember this happened. And that’s true whether we are the one who needs to repent or if it was someone else who did something that made us feel bad. You wake up and there’s shame, that thing pressing on your chest, and you don’t want to get out of bed and you don’t want to see anyone.
So we talked with our kiddo about the dread and the morning ahead. We talked about planning ahead of time: How you will address those feelings if they come to you? Because you’re right, they’re likely to come. So how do you deal with them in a way that doesn’t ruin your day tomorrow, or start your day roughly?
Kiddo said, “I know what you’re gonna say: Read your Bible, pray, do this and that, blah blah. But it doesn’t work.”
Ever feel that way? I do.
Our kid was right, because the feelings come in before we even get that far. Our pieces are crowding in, and we don’t know how to move it all so things line up again. Too much is warped, it looks like too much work. So what are we going to do with that thought? Because we get to respond.
We get to either a) do whatever those thoughts and feelings start telling us to do, or b) start choosing other thoughts and feelings, and act on them so we’re not pummeled by shame.
Our feelings are not our boss. We can reject them; we don’t have to accept every feeling that comes our way.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
- Romans 12:2
Shame will keep us making foolish choices based on our feelings, and those feelings can rule everything we do – and when feelings rule instead of wisdom and maturity, it leads to a miserable life. But we don’t have to let our feelings rule us. We can acknowledge our feelings while still making wise choices based on truth.
If we’re entertaining thoughts that say bad things about ourselves, others, or the day ahead of us, those are the thoughts that are going to create feelings we don’t want to be feeling.
It’s the same with forgiveness, resentment, or any negative memory. A thought comes in and we have to choose what to do with it: Let it stay and fester, brooding and expanding as it warps our attitude and our future, or send it packing and turn toward something better. There are going to be good things tomorrow, plenty of other things to focus on: good food, good work to do, things to laugh about. We get to make a powerful choice.
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.
- 2 Corinthians 10:5
Shame, though, doesn’t want you to be powerful. Shame (and resentment, and unforgiveness) wants you to be a victim. It wants to do the pummeling. It hopes you won’t even decide to respond, because not responding lets it keep you in that place back there, feeling sorry for yourself and feeling condemnation – pieces crumpled, unable to be put back together, too big of a job to even start.
I don’t want to even remember it, our kid said. I don’t want to see any association with it. That’s understandable – and in a way, it’s a healthy response, because sin was involved and you no longer want anything to do with it.
We get rid of the association faster by ripping the band-aid off fast: admit fault, repent fully, move forward. Take those thoughts captive: Okay, I let the enemy get me yesterday over that thing. I’m not going to let him get me again over other things. I’m moving forward. I learned from that, and I’m not going to do that again. I’m growing. I’m making better choices. I’ll be on my guard today so the enemy doesn’t hammer me over something else.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
- Philippians 4:8
Good news: A person who has truly repented starts trying to do things right. They start paying closer attention to temptation, and choose to reject it.
The enemy wants you to think and act like this is the end, but the Lord wants you to know this can be a beginning. He wants to move you from remorse to the expectation of doing and experiencing good things. But you have to choose which it is.
Repentance dislodges shame from us. Surrender (read: trusting God) moves into hope for our future. This piece goes here, and this piece goes here. This peace goes here, right here, into you.
So we pray, Lord, please come into this area of pain and bring healing. And we cooperate by thinking the things He brings to mind.
As you deal with this and move forward, you’ll know how to help others when they struggle with it. This victory isn’t just about you or for you; He wants to bring healing and encouragement to others through you.
I went through so much of this as I wrote the content in Oh My Soul. I haven’t arrived by a long shot yet, but I’m getting there – and I’m seeing how God used it to prepare me for parenting the five t(w)eens in our house. So help me.
Our kiddo is doing better, but as you know if you are a parent, some days are better than others. We are watching how we speak about our own frustrations (and boy, do we have them) so we model it for our kids well. And, some days are better than others there, too.
I’m praying for you, friends…that your days are getting better and better, and that you are finding victory and alignment as you make the brave choice to shift things back into order where they’ve strayed. Great days are ahead.
He still moves us,
Shannon
Related: Need help with taking those thoughts captive? Right here.
P.S. In the spirit of shifting things around, you’ve probably noticed this email looks different because we switched email services to Substack. It’s been a good move though a little confusing, because that’s also where I host my podcast. So to clarify things, here’s where you can find what you’re looking for:
My site has books, posts, everything except audio materials and this exclusive newsletter for subscribers. If you want audio versions of posts and weekly devotionals, that’s through the podcast. And if you want to help put food on our table (because this is what we do for a living), you can become a paid subscriber by hitting the green “subscribe” button to upgrade, and receive exclusive perks and content. Thank you!
P.P.S. Other links for you!
A few health articles to boost your knowledge (and maybe bring huge help and encouragement): What is fatty pancreas?, Amish home congestion remedy, and everything you need to know about diatomaceous earth.
Aaand a couple more, because I’ve been drinking salt sole for a couple years now almost and I think it’s doing wonders: here and here.
Alaskans, are you tired of having ineffective, anti-freedom policies instituted by someone who wasn’t even elected? Here’s a petition you might be interested in.
We’re planting moringa seeds, and this is a plant you might want to know about about: here and here.
A panel discussion on Covid, featuring doctors who haven’t sold out.
For the math nerds: I’m sorry and you’re welcome.